My Life on the Road

Literally. Well, almost....
I spend about an hour and a half of my day on the road getting to and from work and that is not including the traffic that I might sit through during rush hour, wrecks, etc.  Interestingly enough, I think that most of my greatest ideas come from my time of solitude and/or singing at the top of my lungs (AND I am the next American Idol!) But I've also had a chance to come across some interesting drivers during my lovely commute and over time I've begun to catagorize them and thought it would be fun to share some of my "fun" experiences and thoughts....

1. The all to famous "grandma" driver--everybody knows this type of driver and has probably, during one time or another, yelled at this driver who is engaged in some sort of fantastical reverie that causes their foot to fall asleep.  Or maybe this person has no other reason to be on the road other than to drive so slow so they CAN smell the roses on the side of the highway.  I'm ok with these types of drivers, until they park it in the left lane (a.k.a the fast lane) and then there is a stream of naughty words running, not walking, through my head.  If you can't already tell, I have a bit of a lead foot, which leads me to my next driver :)

2. The "I want to smell your exhaust" driver-- they are in such a rush and get so close that they end up enhaling the smell of your behind.  These drivers are mad at the "grandma" drivers because they won't get it the right lane.  ahhhh that joy of looking in your rear view mirror and seeing the nose hairs of the person driving behind you. 

3. The "I will get you back hahahahhahah you can't mess with me!" driver--I came into contact with this type of driver when I was having a "I want to smell your exhaust" type of day (yes, you know you have had one of those "oh crap! I overslept! days and need to get to work on time.) So I'm very annoyed that this person is going 55 in a 65 when I'm trying to go teach the children of the world, but no no no, instead of moving over this person decides that they will get revenge! muahahahahah! They not only get over, they proceed to get back behind me, get as close to me as they can (keep in mind that I am now going 10 mph over the speed limit) and swerve back in forth behind me WITH their bright lights on! Come on now...I wasn't that mean when I was suggesting that you move over. Seriously. My question is...if you had gone this fast to begin with, couldn't this all have been avoided? Case and point.

4.  The "topsy turvy" driver--this type of driver is just plain dumb.  They would rather rummage around in their bag and find that oh so important, must have now, lipgloss than watch the road.  Guess what driver? You are always suspected of drunk driving! At least, that's what I always think.  Keep your reputation clean by keeping your eyes on the road, mcdrinkerson!

And last but not least....
5. The "I'm so angry and need to express myself through raaaaaage" driver.  This is my absolute favorite because who doesn't like a good dramatic soap opera for the road? Why DVR snookie when you have THIS type of entertainment?  Which brings me to my Oh so favorite story of the week....

This past Wednesday, my school system had an Early Release Day (yay for students, uggghhh for teachers!) So word has it that there is a super nasty wreck on I-77 South that had been backed up since 11am. At this point it is 3:30 and there is a handful of us that need to make it home.  So we caravan it up and follow each other taking the backroads.  Eventhough we aren't at a standstill, we are in stop and go traffic with stoplights, stopsigns, slow drivers, etc.  So it took me about 2 1/2 hours to get home.  By then, I have a decided that I need to go straight to my chiropractor appointment so that I'm not late.  As I merge off of the highway, I get into the left lane with the intent to turn left in the direction of my chiro.  At the exact same time I look at the clock and decide that I have a few minutes to spare and would rather turn right and go home so that I can change into a more comfortable outfit.  I immediately check my blindspot and swerve over two lanes.  HONK! HONK! HONK!!! I slam on brakes and realize that I have (accidentally) almost ran a motorcyclist off of the road and he is yelling BIITCH!!! at my passenger side window as he goes by. I have my hands off of the steering wheel in the air and I'm saying, "Sorry!!  I didn't mean too!" and I'm cringing inside because I'm thinking of all the "what-ifs" and the "thank-gods" of the situation.  How did that happen? I checked my blind spot! Ohhhh it must have been the fact that I swerved over two lanes to get to where I'm going at the last minute. Huh.
But the story doesn't stop here, my friends.
I'm now behind this angelic motorcyclist and he is chug-a-lugging on his bike in front of me. Literally. Chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga.  I'm starting to calm down and about 10 seconds goes by and he decides he has not gotten enough of me. He turns around on his bike, throws his hands in the air, and yells (yes, I heard it over my music) at the top of his lungs, "You BIIIIIIIITCH!!!! F$%*@ You!! (you can only imagine what gestures he is using with his chubby fingers) He totally had the O face as he held out the vowel note in the B word! The funny part is that I was in complete agreement with him about my idiotic driving and so I yell back, as loud as I can, "I KNOOOOOOOWWWWW!" with my hands also in the air minus the lude finger gestures.  Mine were more like fingers together, flat and angled, as if I were welcoming people to my dinner table type gesture.  That dude was angry.  You might want to hug me the next time you see me because I almost died. Victim of road rage. By motorcyclist. Whew!

Ahhh, fun times on Exit 28 off of I-77.  At least I know that he probably slept like a baby that night...getting all the raaaage and stuff off of his cheast. 

So those are some of the lovely people that I have come across on I-77.  I'm sure I've missed a few so feel free to comment with your thoughts and war stories of your life on the road. Drive peacefully and safely, my friends (just beware of crazy bikers now that you know what could happen if you run them off of the road!)